Let the Hot Tub Games Begin
The Spectacle of Hot Tub “Sports” and “Athletes” That Excel at Them
The “2012 Great Big Quadrennial Sporting Event” is beginning this week (lawyers say we can’t mention which event this might be, in fact all characters, names, ideas, Olympiads, etc. appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, events, Olympics, living or dead or British, is purely coincidental).
So now the world shifts its gaze to the earth’s greatest spectacle of athleticism, focus, dedication, and execution. Nowhere and at no time is the thrill of victory and agony of defeat so collectively and viscerally felt as it is during these 17 days of glory, laud, and honor. And the TV ads make you cry.
But quietly, in backyards and gazebos around the globe, there is another spectacle almost as thrilling, another class of “athlete” with dreams of gold (color of beer) and fame (actually YouTube infamy). These are the 2012 Hot Tub Games. Enjoy.
First Event of the Hot Tub Games – Swan Dive Into a Hot Tub
Yes this venerable event has been a staple of these games ever since the first Greek ran from Marathon to Athens barefoot, drank a little too much, then swan dived into an aqueduct to impress other Greeks.
Today the world record is held by the Old Spice Guy who’s legendary leap into a tub won the hearts of ladies and men and produced a great odor in the process.
So, without further ado, the winners of the 2012 Hot Tub Swan Dive are:
Red-Brownish Medal Winner*
*Medal colors for a certain large-scale international sporting event are also subject to copyright. Descriptions that may or may not be related to the color of medals, approximate color of medals, actual metals, or the periodic table of elements are purely mostly coincidental.
This young diving athlete came through with great form and an impressive entry, but lack of enthusiasm brought 1.1 points off and the lack of injury earns him another 2.74 point deduction. Also, a .19 deduction was added because sports with these kinds of scores are totally subjective and I’m in charge here (unless we are sued for copyright infringement, then someone else is in charge).
Shiny Whitish Medal Winner
In yet another display of game show artistry (yes, they are the undisputed champions of radical game shows), Japan comes through with a second place finish in the Swan Dive Into a Hot Tub final. It was the mad skills displayed by these mathletes that made the judges reluctant to arbitrarily assign them any deduction that is not a whole number. So, with a 2 point deduction for a lacking degree of difficulty and extreme silliness Team Japan Gameshow People comes in second place.
Yellow Highly Prized Medal Winner
Score one gold medal (I meant to say yellowish round medallion) for America! At least I assume this guy is American. The belly, the pink Caddy, the hillbilly laugh, red-neck hot tub, lawn chairs, cheap beers, yeah, he has to be American. Go USA!
Congratulations to all the fine athletes that competed in this inaugural event near and/or not even close to London or thereabouts in 2012 or thereabouts.