Oscar Winners (and Losers) – You All Need a Hot Tub

So did anyone watch the Academy Awards last night? I did. Some looked great, some gave great speeches, some carried themselves with the style and grace that becomes a true Hollywood star.

…and then Kristen Stewart was there.

So, overall it was a decent night of pomp and pagentry. At the end of it all it was clear that many needed a hot tub, some to celebrate a win, some to relax after a great effort, some to recover from apparent injury, and others to soothe a heartbreaking loss.

Ben Affleck

You won. And it wasn’t an award given with snarky sarcasm and intended to be followed by laughter and rolled eyes. Very nice work on Argo. Now, go celebrate your second Oscar win, something almost nobody ever thought would happen. You need a hot tub.

Adele

You’re only the best singer in the entire world right now. The “Best Song” award was yours from the start. In fact, they should just start inventing more awards to give you. I’m going to give you an honorary award. We’ll call it a “Tubbie.” And, you need a hot tub.

Seth MacFarlane

Hosting the Academy Awards can’t be easy. Ask Anne Hathaway and James Franco. Seth, I guess you did ok, and well, at least it’s over. Since you’ve announced this was a one-time gig, let’s just call it a success. Celebrate this rare opportunity, oh, and drown that Ted while you’re at it. You need a hot tub.

Kristen Stewart

Hot tubs are great for recovering from injuries, which apparently you have, almost all the time it seems. Also, since quiet pensive brooding seems to be your thing, a hot tub will give you some nice quiet time to sit and think about pale men. Even though you are no Oscar-winning actor, not even close, we’ll give you an “A” for effort for limping out as a presenter last night. You need a hot tub.

Jennifer Lawrence

That was quite a stumble last night. You doing ok? You know, hot tubs are great for helping to alleviate pain from falls and such. Congrats on your Oscar. If the joy of winning doesn’t make you forget the bruises from the stairs you need a hot tub.

Daniel Day Lewis

You get the “best speech” award and a well deserved Oscar for that incredible portrayal of the greatest president ever. Oh, great beard as well. You are an amazing actor who is well deserving of any and all awards. Go celebrate your awesomenasity in character. You need a hot tub.

Jennifer Hudson

You can flat out sing girl. I was a little confused as to exactly why you were there. I mean, that movie you were in was quite a few years ago now. Anyway, you looked and sounded fantastic. My guess is you don’t get to look like that without working your butt off in the gym and hot tubs are perfect for post workout recovery. You need a hot tub.

Ang Lee

Your win was said to be a bit of a surprise. Not for me. That film looked awesome and was awesome. And since your film was about Pi, which is short for Piscine, which means swimming pool, which is like a spa, which is another name for hot tub, it’s just a natural fit. You need a hot tub.