50 Ways to Say Goodbye Gets it Wrong
We all know that pop artists are essentially the modern oracles. Fonts of wisdom and knowledge if you will. This is a foregone conclusion. I mean, who else could take this perplexity: “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad,” and practically turn it into Harvard curriculum? Yep, in general I’ll be looking to pop stars for my answers and I implore other thinking individuals to do the same.
However, now that this discussion of pop star perspicacity is out of the way let’s take a look at how one pop star got it monumentally wrong. The song “50 Ways to Say Goodbye” by the usually factually impeccable band Train has a glaring issue preventing a willing suspension of disbelief needed to glean the meaning and wisdom otherwise buried deep in the remainder of the song’s thoughtful lyrics.
“50 Ways to Say Goodbye” is a first-person explication of the manner in which the singer plans to avoid telling acquaintances that his girlfriend broke up with him by inventing falsified ways by which she passed on. Seems like a reasonable premise for a pop song to this point, right? Of course it is. The explanations offered for the young lady’s demise are believable until the song comes to a screeching halt at this intensely implausible line: “She drowned in a hot tub.”
While it’s true that accidents happen, even around spas and saunas, passing this off as a likely cause for a pop star girlfriend’s expiration is a hugantic stretch. Hot tub safety is statistically incredibly good, and if one refrains from imbibing whilst soaking, the odds of hot tub drowning go way down. A person likely has better odds of being mauled to death by Ewoks.
Train, I of course cannot inhibit your right to widely spread improbabilities but might I suggest: “She was impaled by a unicorn.”